Torri Sunshine

People always describe your 20’s as the best years of your life, which is true at first. Lets dive in and dissect these pivotal years real quick.

20-22 

Its still cute to beinge  drink 5 nights out of the week and your just getting out of the bumping and grinding at the club stage.

22-25

You know just throwing things at the wall seeing what sticks, if anything even sticks.

26-30

OMG OMG MAKE IT STOP!! Make all the big decisions find your career NOW like NOW you do not have time to throw stuff at the wall anymore, or you will be a poor loser.  AAHHHH!!!!!!

You know around 26-30ish is usually when the depression starts. Its like WHAM BAM MAKE ALL THE LIFE DECISIONS. Its the time  people stop telling you, oh you’re young you have plenty of time. People start saying “Ohhh” when you tell them your age. (lollll Its funny but its not) It just feels so isolating, because you are no longer part of a mass. You aren’t in school anymore, you aren’t a part of the mom club yet so you don’t belong there. All your friends have either moved or you’ve lost touch. I mean you still talk on the phone, but everyone has these careers and new lives in places far away, and lets just say it. You are no longer a part of there everyday. It stings, and if the loneliness goes on for longer it aches, and after much longer it becomes a deep ringing in your soul, that you can hear and feel. after that you get a numbness, everything is dull colors, things you once loved, your feelings. Then the questions start.

Who am I? You used to know. and now things have lost there significants. It almost feels as nothing matters anymore, in fact you don’t matter anymore. Its like every morning you open your eyes with a stack of encyclopedias on your chest and have to force yourself out of bed and sometimes the weight is just to heavy;  you can barley breath. Some days you don’t have a choice, so you must force yourself up.  As the day goes on you, feel like you are in a deep dark hole under ground, with only your head sticking out, and you are barley hanging on by your finger tips and your feet are flailing around kicking the darkness and your finger tips are clinching the earth for dear life because you are about to slip in the hole of darkness. And some days you do slip, and all you can feel is the darkness; some days you get a leg out. But every morning you wake up with the encyclopedias and its hard to breath, and you are in the dark hole and your finger tips hurt.

Its a constant battle. How are we supposed to make sense of everything thats ever happened in our lives? How come no one talks about this chunk of life where you are supposed to have the basic answers to the questions that the girl who went to the same high school as you asks in the dark corner of the dive bar, in town, when everyone is home for the holidays. How come the sense of failing is so heightened. How come you don’t have the kind of friends anymore that can be at your house in 10 minutes, at the drop of a hat. Why do you feel the pressure to change yourself completely but feel guilty for leaving your old self behind too. Why is it so hard to connect. It used to be so easy. What do you want to do, who do you want to be? It seems like everyone else knows already.

So you pick something, or an opportunity falls in your lap, and you’re living your life. You are tired all the time, and stressed, pretty soon you are just going through the motions. Everyday feels the same. You are treading water, you are lonely, and you feel so guilty. What do you have to complain about? So many people have it so much worse, and that only makes you feel even more pitiful, an pathetic.

Coming from me this probably seems a little surprising, people always think I’m so positive and happy, which at the core of my soul I am. As I’ve had these open conversations, a lot of people who I would have never guessed feel this way too. Luckily I have been ale to pull myself out of these times that have popped up in my life. I write this to start an conversation, and hopefully to let others know you are not alone! It gets better and there is light after darkness. (Here are a few things that have helped me, this has been a long process and all easy said then done.)

• BE STILL– Part of growing up is being your own best friend, that means being a good friend to yourself. Get to know yourself. Sometimes you need to go through these motions and feel all the things you’ve been trying to push off. Its best to feel what you’re feeling journal it and move on. And in the words of Chris Crocker don’t forget to “TREAT YO SELF”
• FIND A NEW OUTLET/HOBBY/PASSION AND POUR YOURSELF INTO IT– You know for me its this blog, and photography and video editing. It doesn’t even have to be something you are passionate about necessarily but something you have an interest in. Also don’t give me any excuses. If you can’t afford it get resourceful, reach out to someone who could help you out!
• FIND A TRIBE– This is the most important in my opinion, but also the most difficult. It takes time, trial and error, and patients. Once you have found a tribe of people who have your best interest, who love and support you, it can be world changing. (I’m going to be doing a post about adult friendships super soon) the internet can be super helpful in this department.

If you have been feeling this way please do not hesitate to reach out, I will always be an ear for those who need it. I hope this starts a conversation of something that seems so taboo. Thank you guys for letting me be vulnerable with you, and for allowing me to show a different side of the sunshine I try and radiate everyday. The next post will not so dark I promise. Remember it does get better and I love you!!!!