IMG_1910IMG_1561People always describe your 20’s as the best years of your life, which is true at first. Lets dive in and dissect these pivotal years real quick.

20-22 

Its still cute to beinge  drink 5 nights out of the week and your just getting out of the bumping and grinding at the club stage.

22-25

You know just throwing things at the wall seeing what sticks, if anything even sticks.

26-30

OMG OMG MAKE IT STOP!! Make all the big decisions find your career NOW like NOW you do not have time to throw stuff at the wall anymore, or you will be a poor loser.  AAHHHH!!!!!!

You know around 26-30ish is usually when the depression starts. Its like WHAM BAM MAKE ALL THE LIFE DECISIONS. Its the time  people stop telling you, oh you’re young you have plenty of time. People start saying “Ohhh” when you tell them your age. (lollll Its funny but its not) It just feels so isolating, because you are no longer part of a mass. You aren’t in school anymore, you aren’t a part of the mom club yet so you don’t belong there. All your friends have either moved or you’ve lost touch. I mean you still talk on the phone, but everyone has these careers and new lives in places far away, and lets just say it. You are no longer a part of there everyday. It stings, and if the loneliness goes on for longer it aches, and after much longer it becomes a deep ringing in your soul, that you can hear and feel. after that you get a numbness, everything is dull colors, things you once loved, your feelings. Then the questions start.

Who am I? You used to know. and now things have lost there significants. It almost feels as nothing matters anymore, in fact you don’t matter anymore. Its like every morning you open your eyes with a stack of encyclopedias on your chest and have to force yourself out of bed and sometimes the weight is just to heavy;  you can barley breath. Some days you don’t have a choice, so you must force yourself up.  As the day goes on you, feel like you are in a deep dark hole under ground, with only your head sticking out, and you are barley hanging on by your finger tips and your feet are flailing around kicking the darkness and your finger tips are clinching the earth for dear life because you are about to slip in the hole of darkness. And some days you do slip, and all you can feel is the darkness; some days you get a leg out. But every morning you wake up with the encyclopedias and its hard to breath, and you are in the dark hole and your finger tips hurt.

Its a constant battle. How are we supposed to make sense of everything thats ever happened in our lives? How come no one talks about this chunk of life where you are supposed to have the basic answers to the questions that the girl who went to the same high school as you asks in the dark corner of the dive bar, in town, when everyone is home for the holidays. How come the sense of failing is so heightened. How come you don’t have the kind of friends anymore that can be at your house in 10 minutes, at the drop of a hat. Why do you feel the pressure to change yourself completely but feel guilty for leaving your old self behind too. Why is it so hard to connect. It used to be so easy. What do you want to do, who do you want to be? It seems like everyone else knows already.

So you pick something, or an opportunity falls in your lap, and you’re living your life. You are tired all the time, and stressed, pretty soon you are just going through the motions. Everyday feels the same. You are treading water, you are lonely, and you feel so guilty. What do you have to complain about? So many people have it so much worse, and that only makes you feel even more pitiful, an pathetic.

Coming from me this probably seems a little surprising, people always think I’m so positive and happy, which at the core of my soul I am. As I’ve had these open conversations, a lot of people who I would have never guessed feel this way too. Luckily I have been ale to pull myself out of these times that have popped up in my life. I write this to start an conversation, and hopefully to let others know you are not alone! It gets better and there is light after darkness. (Here are a few things that have helped me, this has been a long process and all easy said then done.)

  • BE STILL– Part of growing up is being your own best friend, that means being a good friend to yourself. Get to know yourself. Sometimes you need to go through these motions and feel all the things you’ve been trying to push off. Its best to feel what you’re feeling journal it and move on. And in the words of Chris Crocker don’t forget to “TREAT YO SELF”
  • FIND A NEW OUTLET/HOBBY/PASSION AND POUR YOURSELF INTO IT– You know for me its this blog, and photography and video editing. It doesn’t even have to be something you are passionate about necessarily but something you have an interest in. Also don’t give me any excuses. If you can’t afford it get resourceful, reach out to someone who could help you out!
  • FIND A TRIBE– This is the most important in my opinion, but also the most difficult. It takes time, trial and error, and patients. Once you have found a tribe of people who have your best interest, who love and support you, it can be world changing. (I’m going to be doing a post about adult friendships super soon) the internet can be super helpful in this department.IMG_1290bikeride

If you have been feeling this way please do not hesitate to reach out, I will always be an ear for those who need it. I hope this starts a conversation of something that seems so taboo. Thank you guys for letting me be vulnerable with you, and for allowing me to show a different side of the sunshine I try and radiate everyday. The next post will not so dark I promise. Remember it does get better and I love you!!!!

IMG_1780So I feel like I owe an explanation, I didn’t mean this much time to pass, and also my head has been all jumbled up with life lately, none of which is of much importance. Sometimes I get really sad to be honest, I think being an adult is actually really lonely at times. Anyway thats my spill about that, as simple and complex as that answer is.

IMG_1816BUT IM BACK! I’m going to commit to posting on TorriSunshine at least once and maybe twice a week! With that being said, I thought this might be a good time to get to know me a little better, and figure out more of who I am, and what it is I’m trying to do here on TorriSunshine.

Here are some questions and answers in myspace bulletin or those annoying Facebook status form:

Whats the point of Torri Sunshine? to create, connect, relate, share helpful tips, and to have something for myself, an outlet. To help others in the process, of sharing.

What’s your favorite word? ambivalent

What is your favorite cheese? Gruyere with a mocha crust

What is Torri Sunshine? A safe beautiful place for inspiration, and genuine honest opinions, a place for the lovers and dreamers of the world to get lost for a minute.

Who is the fourth person on your missed calls? My sister lol

You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. Sun-dried tomatoes, avocado, prosciutto, smoked gouda a little oil and vinegar on rosemary focaccia bread 🙂 🙂 🙂 

What made you decide to start Torri Sunshine? Honestly, completely, honestly, being lonely; and having the soul crushing thirst for creating something beautiful and real.

What’s a saying you say a lot? “You see the thing is”

What did the last text message on your phone say? “That bearded man was perfect” lol this was a message to me, not from me.

Who would you really like to just punch in the face? my boyfriend sometimes but I’m so obsessed with him I could never I’d feel to bad lol I’m around him the most so its not his fault! He’s the best… sometimes lollll

Alright see you guys soon! I love and miss you!!IMG_2798

 

episode-52-1024The first time I ever heard of The Moth was on my favorite show! It’s no secret that the show Girls on HBO is probably one the the things I cherish the most in this whole world! I even embarrassingly created a FB group to connect with other girls who loved the show. lol! I know, I’m lame! (If you want in click > Girls Who Watch Girls…The TV Show) Anyways! I saw this episode where Hannah got on this stage and bared her soul, by telling a true story, in in front of a ton of people at this place called The Moth. It was so beautiful to me. So I did what everyone does when they don’t understand something, I googled it, and I was fascinated by what I found. And I knew right then and there, I HAD to go!

(The pic below is RIGHT before my first Moth experience in New Orleans)IMG_1849

The Moth has been around since 1997. They have events in bigger cities, held once a month. At these open-mic-style events there is one topic which is announced 3 months in advance. The topics are usually one-to-two words, and sort of up for interpretation. They are all something that humans, by nature, experience in some capacity or another. For example the next upcoming months topics (in most locations) are, “Fresh“, “Karma“, “Cheating“. They call these events “StorySLAMS“. People come prepared with a 5 minute TRUE story on the given topic, and the hopeful story-tellers all place their names in a hat. The Moth draws from those names, and 10 people are chosen. The names drawn are the story-tellers for the night. They each get up, one by one, stand on stage and pour their heart out, with experience and truth. There are also 3 judges in the audience, picked at random. Sometimes in teams of two and sometimes just 3 separate people. Judges simply hold up a number that can be seen from the audience to the stage, and it is recorded on stage the old fashion way, hand to paper.  The judging and winning isn’t important though, it’s the  getting up and sharing. That is the real prize. Everyone in attendance can feel it too. However, after 10 StorySLAMS in a city, they have a GrandSLAM Championship, where each winner steps on a bigger stage and again bares all. The only real prize to win is human connection. It’s beautiful, in every sense of the word.IMG_2046 2-2

If you live in the Panhandle of Florida, like myself, the closest cities with The Moth are New Orleans, (3 hours Pensacola, 5 hours from Panama City Beach) or Atlanta (5 hours from Pensacola or Panama City Beach) On The Moth’s Website, is a full list of cities where you can search for events! As I said before, they are in bigger cities all over the country!IMG_3223-2IMG_4313-2IMG_9719

New Orleans is closest to me! 3 hours, not too bad! The GrandSLAM was the next event The Moth had up, so I just had to go! I bought tickets, booked a room at my favorite hotel in Nola, and convinced my mom to come with! We had a magical experience at The Joy Theater. We drank champagne, and listened to stories from people of all different ethnicities and ages, 21-87. The girl who runs The Moth Nola was soooo freaking funny!!! All the stories were so special! We laughed, teared up, and felt almost every emotion. Leaving the theater, I remember feeling buzzed off human connection. It really says something about humans in general, that although we are all so different, with different families, friends and cultures, we all experience the same range of emotions, and that somehow we are all connected. The Moth is really about The Human Experience.

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The Moth made me grateful to be alive, and I hope you make it a point to experience it. I’m thinking of entering next time! Let me know what you think about The Moth, and if you’ve seen that Girls episode I’m referring to! Or even if you watch Girls at all! I really hope you look into The Moth and if you ever want to go, I AM SO DOWN! Seriously, hit me up! Well, I love you! I’m going to leave you with some super cute New Orleans pictures of my FAVORITE hotel The Catahoula!

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Last, but not least, here’s a super cute pic of my mom!!

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Okay, I love you BBYYYEE!